Blindsided by the Lack of Control in New Motherhood

Entering into motherhood 6 years ago I was completely blindsided by postpartum depression. I had gone through 24 hours of labor that resulted in a c-section (which I naively thought would not happen to me). I did; however, prepare for breastfeeding my baby while pregnant. I read the books, took a class, and an online course dedicated to what I thought my body would just do naturally. Again, I was blindsided with how incredibly difficult breastfeeding was. 

Here I was a brand new mom and I clung onto nursing my baby even though it was by far the most painful experience. Each time he latched my toes would curl and a rush of incredible pain would trigger me to immediately clench all parts of my body. In the midst of all this pain my will power somehow trumped the very unpleasant reality of breastfeeding. I felt out of control in every aspect of becoming a new mom and for some reason I was absolutely determined to control this one part of new motherhood. 

I remember my doctor saying it’s okay to stop if you are not enjoying it. She shared with me her struggles with nursing and how much her mood lifted when she stopped. I was 6 weeks postpartum at the time when she suggested meds for postpartum depression after I initially lied on my questionnaire form given to me in my 3 week checkup . I immediately declined them, again my inner voice was filled with will power saying I don’t need medication and I shouldn’t take it because I’m nursing. The reality is this will power was part of the depression that was setting in and taking over my ability to think clearly. I finally caved and started working with a therapist that specialized in postpartum depression. She was amazing and incredibly helpful in terms of navigating all the thoughts I had related to the thinking I could will myself through so much of the early stages of motherhood. She also shared with me that while it is my choice I was not failing if I took medication. 

Even though two very highly qualified professionals were supporting me and reassuring me that this does not define you negatively, I really thought it was a failure as yet another part of my body I no longer had control of. I would go to these thoughts of who I was before I became a mom. I thrived in being a high achiever and now clearly I was unable to succeed in motherhood. I was not able to control the way I wanted to birth my son, I was not able to control the amount of pain I had with breastfeeding, and now I’m not able to control my mind? Obviously these thoughts were far from the truth but in the moment that was where I was at it was too much to bare. So I clung onto my will power of nursing my son and after 9 painful weeks breastfeeding finally clicked and eventually I pulled out of the fogginess of postpartum depression; however, it did take 7 months and spilled into tremendous anxiety about returning back to work. 

I’m so thankful that in the past 6 years more information is being shared about postpartum depression and treating it . Medication is not the enemy although it is a choice which I chose to not use with my first but when postpartum depression came knocking at my door with my second I decided for the health of myself and our family I opted to take the prescribed medication in a dosage I felt comfortable with after consulting with my doctor.

Now looking back at my new mom self I realize how desperately I was reaching for some control in my life when literally everything felt out of control. New motherhood does not come with a manual to navigate the unpredictability of feelings. But knowing that there is more recognition of these struggles and support services are being built each day to help moms through the trenches of the unexpected is a good start.