Done with being the Default: How Moms Can Advocate for Change & Improve their Mental Health

Call from my son’s camp nurse: “He has sneezed a few times this morning. You need to pick him up and take him for a COVID test.” Group chat from the neighborhood moms: “What are we going to do with the kids between camp and school?! I’ve heard of a soccer program that we need to sign up for today!” Note from our babysitter: “I’m not feeling good so I need to cancel this afternoon. My doctor’s office says the COVID test results will take about three days.” Voicemail from my mother: “Please call me back ASAP to let me know what time your husband is dropping off the kids this weekend.” Text from my daughter’s OT: “Can we firm up the schedule for this month? And we should also book a status meeting.” Greeting from my father-in-law, who arrives to fill in for the babysitter (45 minutes after he was asked to come so I could attend a meeting): “I’m excited to watch the kids. What should I do with them?”

These are some of the messages I receive regularly, all directed specifically towards me, the mom – even though my husband is an involved parent, even though I also work full-time, and even when I am hardly involved in the subject at hand. I am grateful to be able to be active in my kids’ academic and social lives and also know how lucky I am to have family and other resources to help us care for them. But, as many women I work with describe, the expectations and assumptions of the mother as the primary parent can feel crushing.

While the stress caused by being the default parent is immeasurable, we can see its direct effects when examining mothers’ participation in in the workforce during the pandemic. Per The New York Times, 5.1 million American mothers stopped working for pay during Spring 2020, with millions still out of work; the U.S. Department of Laborreports that many more moms than dads have left the workforce or scaled back on working hours, with mothers nearly three times more likely than fathers to cite childcare issues as the reason for employment changes. Moms’ tendency to carry the weight of most of the childcare responsibilities is not new to the COVID era nor is it harmful only to working moms. Moms who choose not to work for pay while raising children also commonly experience feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion in trying to meet all the demands put on them; studies have shown that women who identify as stay-at-home moms are at higher risk of depression, sadness, and anger than other women.

The trend of mothers as the default parent can have detrimental effects on their mental health and careers. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are some tips on how to make improvements for yourself and for society.

Prevent the Perpetuation of the “Primary Parent”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg famously once told her son’s school upon being called to address an issue he was having: “This child has two parents. Please alternate calls. And it’s his father’s turn.” She said this decades ago, yet in the U.S., generally mothers are still generally considered the primary parent. This assumption plays out on micro and macro levels of society. For example, my mother-in-law (herself a working mom who raised a thoughtful feminist son in my husband) used to consistently only ask me, as the mom, what my kids would prefer to eat for dinner even if their father was standing right next to her. He started to answer before I even could so that it didn’t fall on me and to remind her directly that he, as their other parent, was just as (if not more) capable of answering. More broadly, parental leave policies that still distinguish between primary and secondary caregiver literally create “primary parents” by prohibiting non-birthing parents from equal opportunities to bond with and learn how to care for their babies. We must encourage men to advocate for and take parental leave.

Speak Up about Subtle Sexism

When my children’s well-intentioned, loving preschool emailed the student directories only to the mothers in the classes where there were no same-sex couples, a practice they’d been engaging in for years, my husband and I were baffled. He wanted to know just as much as I did who was in our children’s classes. We immediately and respectfully pointed out that including dads in such correspondence created the opportunity for them to continue to be equal parents, while excluding them promoted unfair and outdated gender stereotypes, made harmful assumptions about who was responsible for this aspect of the kids’ lives, and automatically created more work for the moms as the dads did not even know what they were missing out on, which was a loss for everyone. The school was receptive and appreciated our feedback. When they later asked me to chair a community service event, they were thrilled at my suggestion that I work alongside a father instead of another mom, as had been typical. It’s not always easy to feel like the angry feminist pushing back against long-standing customs, but it is necessary for progress. If we don’t speak up, we can’t create change.

Delegate & Designate

Activist and best-selling author Eve Rodsky uses the term “she-fault parent” to describe U.S. women in cisgender, heterosexual relationships who still shoulder the majority of unpaid domestic work and childcare for their homes and families. To help improve relationship dynamics and contribute to gender equity, she created a system called Fair Play to divide household tasks fairly based on needs and preferences. One of the additional steps that my family has personally taken to alleviate the burden on mom is to create a family email address that my husband and I both access and take turns to deal with; previously, even though we were both registered as points of contact, I would always be the one to get the emails from school, kids’ birthday party invitations, etc. In couples where only the father is employed or where he earns a higher income from his job, it is often assumed mom should handle more of the child-related tasks; however, this can cause her to feel a loss of her own identity and create unhealthy pressure and resentment. All families should work to figure out what makes sense for them, and each parent should proudly and comprehensively own their assigned tasks. 

Seek Support

In an episode of the latest season of Netflix’s Workin’ Moms, the main character complains about the email group with all the moms from her child’s school. “They won’t leave me alone,” she describes while her phone relentlessly pings with messages. Though the joke here is snarky, the show overall is all about how moms can and should support other moms. Some of my clients feel guilty or deeply flawed when it seems like other mothers are having an easy time managing. But the truth is, everyone has tasks they enjoy doing and tasks with which they need help. And you should get that help when you need it, whether that’s via a co-parent who really listens, a boss who demonstrates empathy, a mental health counselor who teaches healthy coping strategies, or friends in a parent support group who can relate. Being the default parent may make you feel emotionally burnt out or like your work is not a priority – but, mama, you are not alone.  

Author for guest blog post: Lauren A. Tetenbaum, LMSW, JD is an advocate and therapist specializing in life transitions affecting millennial and young women. A licensed social worker, former Big Law attorney, and certified coach, she is also the proud mother of two young kids. Learn more about her mission to support and empower working, new, and aspiring mothers at www.LATCounseling.com or on Instagram @thecounselaur.