two kids under three and returning back to work
Sabra picking up her two year old and 7 month old daughter from childcare.
Going back to work after my first baby felt weird, I was a "new" person, but had to be who I was before at work. I got really good at pretending that I was the old me. Mom was just a title I had at home and honestly work was a break for me. I was able to run errands, eat lunch with both hands and have "alone" time. I got used to the new normal of feeling like I almost had 2 lives, the old working career gal and the new mom life. Before I knew it, I was pregnant again with a rambunctious toddler running around, a new mortgage and I thought I had broken the "having it all" code. In 1.5 years after returning back to work and while pregnant I was promoted twice and finally paid (almost) what I was worth.
So, by the time baby number two came, I was even more prepared than the first time around. Work was set up perfectly, my water broke at work and I knew I would take advantage of maternity leave to the fullest this time around as I knew what to expect with a newborn. I also knew what to expect when I went back to work and what the tough parts would be...cleaning bottles everyday, preparing bottles and two diaper bags this time, making dinner, eating dinner (we take turns), bath time, bed time, getting the baby to sleep (once, twice, three times etc.), sleep deprivation and trying to survive each work day. So I bought extra pump parts, bottles and nipples, had a system down for working out, got meals delivered the first couple weeks, made even simpler dinners etc.
The first few weeks as a full time working mom with 2 children under 3 wasn't as bad as I expected. Other than the baby needing to go to bed by 6 every night, we seemed to get into a work/life flow pretty quickly. I still had my two persona's-working career woman and mom. I realized pretty quickly after my first was born that most in the working world don't want to actually know about your home life. They just want what is expected of you in their minds, and to perform, the better you perform the more that is expected of you and if you didn't have anything else in your life before kids wasn't an "excuse" now. Some think they are giving you the flexibility you need by saying you can go to doctor appointments in the middle of the day, yet I still book mine as my first or last meeting as that makes the most sense to me with my workload. I wanted a flex schedule, to work at home a day or two and/or to not work 4 days a week, but every time I brought it up I was shot down without discussion.
After a couple of weeks, I realized my "break" of work wasn't a break anymore as it was the first time around. Everyday it was harder to find the "work life balance", which lets be honest isn't even an obtainable thing. But, I wanted to be a good employee, I wanted to live up to my career potential, I had worked so hard to get to where I was in my career. In my late 30's I knew that if I wanted to reach my goals I needed to keep going. Which meant I had to sacrifice the mom part of the balance, right...? By the time I got home I was exhausted, short tempered and didn't have enough to give my family. My poor husband just wanted to help and I would just yell (indirectly) at him about work frustrations to get it out before picking up the girls. I felt a little off before going back work, but after about a month I realized I had postpartum anxiety and work made it even more intense. Truthfully I didn't want to admit this to anyone, especially not myself.
How could I make this all work? I figured it out the first time, in hindsight it took about a year to get my sea legs with her. 7 months in, I am not sure when I will get my sea legs again, but I do know that the ideal world I had in my mind when I was 12 is very much achievable, just not the way I expected it to be. As a working mom of two, with huge goals and ambitions I don't need to sacrifice myself for those goals just because I have a job where I planned to obtain them. I can obtain them all on my own, if growing and birthing two babies taught me nothing else, it taught me that I am stronger, tougher and can do more than I ever thought possible.
Sabra Ritter is a full time working mom and has a mom lifestyle blog called https://mybeautifulchaosblog.com