It’s Not Just You Breastfeeding Is Hard

As a result of the recent recommendations by the American Academy of Pediatrics related to breastfeeding and the formula shortage. I wanted to share my personal experience of nursing during those first several months with a newborn. I wrote this 6 weeks postpartum after the birth of my 3rd child.

I have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. In the first two weeks after each baby arrived it always starts out so wonderfully and then it quickly takes a turn to the most painful moments I have ever experienced in my life. I do believe my determination to breastfeed has taken a toll on my mental health with each child. Fed is definitely best but my desire to control this part of my journey into motherhood significantly has to do with not being able to have a vaginal birth.  In my hormonal mind breastfeeding is a replacement for a delivery I really wanted but could not make work. Obviously, this is not healthy and I’m finally realizing this by the third baby. At the same time old habits are tough to shake and when I found myself in the same painful place with Cece just two weeks after her birth I couldn’t let go of breastfeeding her.

My first visit to the lactation consultant was when our 3rd, Cece was 2 ½ weeks old. I had gone to see her because of a cracked nipple that kept reopening every single time she latched. When we would nurse my toes would curl but after about a minute I was able to manage through the pain. The LC helped me readjust her latch and gave me some cooling pads to encourage the crack to heal when I wasn’t feeding her.  The following day we had a pediatrician’s appointment for Cece where she was diagnosed with thrush and then at my OB appointment later in the afternoon I was diagnosed with mastitis. All things I had been through before with the boys, but I was determined to push through it.

Two days after these appointments I noticed a nipple blister. These blisters are seriously the worst feeling in the world for me, but the best course of action is to breastfeed in order to essentially open up the blister. So, I pushed on through with soaking the blister in Epson salt which is supposed to help as well as a warm compress between each feeding.

What I thought would make things better based on experience and research was not working. At 4:00am in the morning my husband found me and our daughter crying. I was in incredible pain to the point where nursing was so painful that tears immediately started flowing and unfortunately pumping wasn’t providing any relief either. At this point my husband suggested we give her formula which I was totally on board with accept I had to get this milk out as I was afraid I would end up with plugged ducts on top of the infection and thrush I was fighting off.

At this point I was approaching 3 weeks postpartum and I no longer found myself enjoying the quite moments with my daughter instead my anxiety was at an all-time high in anticipation of each feeding. I gave myself one week to figure out if I could make this work and if not, it was time to let go of nursing and pumping. So, with that said I saw two different lactation consultants who both thought Cece had a tongue tie as well as my pediatrician and my OB. One of the LC’s put me on a great treatment plan that worked coinciding with the things I had already been doing to ease my pain.  My pediatrician informed me that she thought the tongue tie was small enough that Cece should be fine and my OB gave me some advice on what I had thought was going on with the blister.  I started to progressively feel better and by the middle of week 4 nursing no longer was painful.

I’m only 6 weeks postpartum today but I’m happy that we are in such a better place. I know that what worked for me in terms of making a decision on whether or not to continue breastfeeding is part of my personality. I’m a researcher and I had to seek out several experts to feel confident in my decision on whether or not to continue nursing. With that said if the treatment plan that I followed had not been successful I would have absolutely switched to formula because ultimately mentally and physically it was not in my best interest to continue.

For those of you that are getting ready to embark into the land of newbornhood or are in the thick of it right now. Please know that whether you decide to breastfeed or not or if you decide to try and it doesn’t work for you, your mental sanity is most important. I wish I had known prior to my first child how hard breastfeeding is and the importance of your mental health in order navigate the 4th trimester. You are amazing mama and how you feed your baby is the absolutely right course of action for you.